Day 13 - 9:50PM

Well... I have been remiss in keeping this up after a weekend of debauchery followed by a work week from hell. After the weekend was over I had a surprisingly good sleep cycle and on Monday night I was able to sleep without any sleeping aid and slept for 11 hours! I went to bed late and because of the crazy swing shift I have to work I was able to sleep until 1 in the afternoon. I took an ambien CR to sleep last night and I slept all through the night, minus the breif wakeup for C's alarm at 6:45. I did feel groggy this morning, but that may simply be because I have not left the house in days and have gotten zero excercise.

Day 8 - 2:50 PM

I inulged a little too much last night and paid the price this morning, but it was a great evening. I really felt at ease and was so happy to be with my friends. I was even hit on by some girl at the bar. I really feel like the Lexapro is having a positive impact, however the sexual side effects seem to persist.

My headache this morning was collosal. I took my pill later in the morning and today, while tired, I am actually able to focus in spite of my state. This might be working for me.

Day 7 - 3:52 PM

Okay, this is strange. I feel like every muscle in my body feels restless. I am also yawning a lot, but I don't feel particularly tired. I feel like if I go to the gym and exerted myself heavily I would feel a lot less agitated. That is probably not a bad idea. I definitely feel a lot more focused which may be simply because I am catching up on sleep (sort of) but I really feel 180 degress from who I felt on Zoloft. On Zoloft I was yawning a lot too but I was also very sluggish and unable to keep any semblance of a focus. Now I feel like how a ferret might feel. I am still getting that pain in my chest that I was having before so I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with a pill being lodged in my esophogus. I also feel an odd twinging downtown which leaves me expecting more (but different) sexual side effects ahead. Yippie!

Day 7 - 10:30 am

Last night I took Sonata to get to sleep and while it did take a while for me to fall asleep and while I did wake up at 3:30 as usual, I did get back to sleep and got a reasonably full night of sleep. I felt typically underslept when the alarm woke me up at 7 AM and I gave myself another 30 minutes. I took my first Lexipro this morning with coffee and I can tell already that it feels different from Zoloft. I would say I am less groggy now than usual and can actually think straight. I had to give an interview at 9 AM and I actually was reasonably lucid. This morning I was still suffering from the same anticlimactic side effect, but maybe that will go away in a day or so? I sure hope so. So far so good, but of course way to early to call.

Day 6 - 3:01 PM

A little behind here, so let me catch up. Today is the last day on Zoloft. I have been upgraded to Lexapro. Here's the recap:

I got home yesterday around 4:00 since I got to work so early. I started to get the sweats late in the afternoon and the wouldn't let up all the way up to when I went to sleep that night. I had continuing pain in my chest which was extremely disquieting. I also noticed some other protate and Gi related side effects which I will not get into. On a good note I was able to get to bet on my own accord at around midnight which is great. However, I woke up at 3:30 AM with my mind active in thought. I took an Xanax around 4:00 and I think I was back to sleep around 5 and slept another 4 hours. I felt crappy in the morning, but not as bad if I hadn't slept. Good thing I was going to the doctor today. I was going to wait until after my appointment before taking my dose of Zoloft, but for some reason I took it anyway right before I left. I definitely noticed a difference in how I felt before and after.

At the doctor's, I told her about my side effects and she recommended Lexapro as it has supposedly less side effects. She said the pain in the chest was likely due to taking a pill and then lying down again (which I did on Saturday) so hopefully that was it. She gave me a grab-bag of samples of Ambien CR, Lunestra, and Sonata (not by Hyundai) to see if that would help me sleep through the night.

So take two...

Day 5 - 7:41 AM

I am at work now after waking up after another 5 hour Ambien induced sleep. When I woke up I was in mid thought of some dreamt scenario of something I was thinking about last night, as if I was reviewing a wanted outcome of the situation. I hadn't even opened my eyes before I realized that I was awake and it was much to early. The day before I had gone to the gym which didn't really seem to have any effect on my sleep one way or the other. The Zoloft seems to make it so that things that otherwise affect my moods just don't anymore. Yesterday evening I was again unable to release the doves with Cathy after what was otherwise a fantastic interlude to the evening, so that makes it at least 5 days straight. I hope when I see the doctor tomorrow she can give me something so I don't have to live this way.

Day 4 - 11:06 AM

I took Ambien to go to sleep around 11:30 or so, but I was dilly-dallying until 1:00 AM. Annoyingly enough I woke up at around 4:30 AM and slept on and off until after 9:30 when I woke up with a start realizing that my alarm was just hissing because the station got changed to static. It was very strange because it felt like I wasn't sleeping but then I would roll over and look at the clock and an hour and a half had passed. I felt a little groggy getting out of bed but after a while I felt reasonably rested. I took my Z before leaving for work and now that I am here I am clearly noticing a difference how I feel before and after I take the pill. I am not quite so fuzzy as before which may mean that the initial side effects are fading, but since Saturday I have yet to address the other side effects which are my larger concern. I am seeing the doctor on Wednesday to discus the entire situation.

One other thing I am noticing is I am eating a lot less, particularly as a reaction to cravings. I think this may be because I eat when I am not huingry and the Zoloft is curbing that behavior. This is a good thing, as I have already lost 4 pounds since I have started taking it.

Day 3 - 4:01 PM

Getting that extra 4 hours of sleep was a good move. The Xanax didn't leave me too fuzzy and I felt pretty clear headed for the first hour of the day. However, I took the Zoloft at about 2:30 and now I feel kind of remote. It is hard to describe. I was trying to write a description of something and I was really struggling. Normally I am really good at presenting something in words but I couldn't get anywhere. I am thinking this is a result of the meds. It is as I am not supposed to really be noticing things for at least a few weeks and it is only the forth dose I have taken. I am going to talk to the doctor tomorrow (Monday) and see what she thinks. I am also going to see what she thinks of Welbutrin since they claim to have less occurances of sexual side effects.

Day 3 - 8:44 AM

I was not getting to sleep, so at about 12:50 AM I took an Ambien (10 mg) and I slept without waking as far as I could tell until the sun woke me at around 8:36 AM. I feel for the first time in over a week that I have gotten a full nights sleep. I had dreams and everything. Of course, I still am really tired and wanted to sleep longer, but my mind was already whirring so that wasn't happening. I then did something I hope I don't regret - I took .5 Xanax and I am going to go see if I can get another 4 hours. I really need to try and catch up for the coming week.

Day 2 - 11:58 PM

Time for bed. I think I might be able to get sleep now without taking anything. Last night a little alcohol before the game took the edge of painful somnambulistic sleep deprivation and I actually had a great night out. However, my intentions of coming home and going to be early turned into an impromptu party at my place and staying up until about 5. It was actually good as I was able to fall asleep with no assistance. I woke up early with a bad headache from excessive exuberance and had restless down and mostly up sleep through the late morning. Today was really lazy as we farted around but it was fine. I am finding the Zoloft is having some very unwanted sexually related side effects and while C doesn't seem to mind them, I haven't felt any culminating satisfaction since I started taking the stuff. If that keeps up then I don't think I it is a viable option for me. It would be like sleeping and never dreaming.

Day 1 - 9:07 am

So it is five hours after I woke up, which also happens to be the number of hours I slept last night. I feel terrible. I am dead tired, but I think I would have trouble sleeping if I attempted a nap. The coffee and energy drink aren't doing anything for me. Today is Toolbox's birthday and we are all going to see the Giants tonight and I fear I will be worthless. This sucks. I really hope this gets better because if I have another day like this right off I am not taking Ambien ever again.

Day 1 - 4:02 AM

I have been lying here for about 30 minutes now and it is clear that I am not going to get back to sleep because my head is already filled with a hundred different thoughts, so I'd best just get up and make use of the morning. I did get 5 hours and while the Ambien made me feel a little groggy, it certainly a lot more dealable than a Xanax morning where I could sleep for 10 hours and still not feel like I had enough. Still, I am disappointed not to sleep through the night right out of the gate. This may have been my fault though. Yesterday, at the doctor's office, when she asked me whether I wanted 5 or 10 mg tablets I told her that I'd get 10 and just break them in half and take 10 if 5 wasn't helping. At around 9:30 last night I tried to break a pill in half and it is clear these were not meant to be halved. It just kinda broke apart. I took a majority of the larger remnants with some water. In addition to that, I had finished dinner not 45 minutes earlier (Take Ambien on an empty stomach) where I also had a glass of wine (AVOID ALCOHOL). So, in effect, I didn't exactly prime myself for success here. By 10 PM I was really feeling the Ambien kick in and it was very strange. It was almost like being drunk as I was feeling really swimmy. It wasn't unpleasant, but I certainly would be screwed if I would have to function in that state. The thought of getting a call from work in that state is downright frightening. What was even more odd that I was seeing trails like I had been dosed. I remember plugging in my cell phone in the dark and putting it beside me and seeing the afterimage of the LCD screen following the phone by about 3 inches as I put it down. Freaky. I have no idea how long it took me to get to sleep, but I couldn't have been very long. I woke up feeling out of time from a dreamless sleep about 5 hours later with my thoughts already running in my head so as soon as I was aware I was conscious the feet of my brain hit the ground and away it went. I knew right away I was not going back to sleep, but I was tired so I tried. I realize now reflecting on how I woke up that C's leg was under one of mine so maybe she woke me up when I wouldn't have otherwise, but really, that shouldn't matter and it concerns me that I would not be able to get back to sleep at 3:30 in the morning. It was weird as our bed is huge and rarely do we wake each other up by bumping into each other in the night, but she was sleeping starfish style all sideways. Man, I so wish I could sleep like that girl. At 10 PM she could put her head down and be sawing logs in 10 minutes.

In actuality, this is really day 2. Yesterday was the day I really started this "program". I had gone to the doctor to finally deal with my sleeping problems which I have had, to some degree, since childhood. Having not slept at all 2 nights before I realized something had to be done. My sleep patterns were frightfully unhealthy lately, and the last week or two I was particularly short on hours. So after talking to my doctor for a surprisingly long time, she suggested that giving me something to sleep, like Ambien to supplant my taking Xanax to sleep, was just taking a band-aid and would not help me with whatever my real problem with sleep was. After spending 30 minutes with me and listening to me describe my insomnia episodes she was fairly convinced that my trouble with getting to sleep was anxiety related. This did in fact coincide accurately with my history, and any who knows me would agree that my biggest issue is being able to calm the f--k down appropriately. She suggested that an SSRI could be effective in controlling ongoing anxiety and that late night fretting while staring at the ceiling from my bed. I was not really expecting this today. Hell, it was the farthest thing from my mind but when she said it, and after the knee jerk reaction against Prozac Culture I considered the situation and realized that this is something I could try and see what it does for me. I would go back to her office and a month and if this was helping me have a healthy rhythm in my day and even better stave off some of the needless fretting, then hooray! If I find it turns me into a Stepford zombie or makes me prefer adult contemporary music, then it would be a short enough time to discontinue. So Zoloft it is. I had asked why she prescribed it versus other SSRIs and her reasoning seemed sound. She also prescribed the Ambien just to get me through the insomnia, but she clearly was hoping that I wouldn't be on it very long. I'm not sure how that works. The fact that she asked if I needed 5 or 10 mg is kind of curious too. I'm no doctor, you tell me? Don't get me wrong, she is actually good with me, and I do trust her. Her and I can have an honest discussion about my health and my lifestyle choices and she doesn't lecture or judge, just offers me the best advice she can. More importantly, she doesn't treat me like an idiot and appreciates that I have done my homework on whatever it is that I came in there for. However, not expecting I would be prescribed what I would have previously called "crazy pills", I was a bit disarmed and felt completely at her mercy. I guess I got over the prejudice towards these kinds of meds, as I went home with the script, stared at it for about an hour, and then decided to go to the Walgreen's and get them both filled. When I picked them up, I remember a strange sense of something when I opened the package and the bottle and took out the first little blue pill. Would this change me? Is that the kind of change that I want? After a moment I threw the pill into my mouth and washed it down with some water.